Till d.... do we part?

"Till d.... do we part?" If I am given this sentence, and asked to fill in the blank, I think there would be two answers. In the past, it was "Till death do we part." Now it seems that it is "Till divorce do we part" . Marital permanence seems to be a thing of the past!

At the Channel NewsAsia website More marriages, more divorces last year (25 Sept 2006), it was reported that "Even as more people are getting married, divorces have also been on the rise." According to the report, 8.16 percent more marriages ended in divorce in 2005 than in 2004. The number of divorces rose to 6,909 in 2005 from 6,388 a year ago. Even more worrying is that "This is also the largest increase in the past decade". The question to ask is why is more people choosing divorce? I think Chares Colson gave a very good answer in his book Lies That Go Unchallenged in Popular Culture (Tyndale), he wrote that:

When marriage is managed by a marketplace mentality, we view it as a contract instead of as a covenant, making sure that we do only the minimum necessary for our role and that we don’t get cheated out of our rights and privileges. (Colson, p. 87)

I beilieved the contempoprary worldview of autonomy and self-centeredness has fuled divorce rate. However, the bible view marriage differently from the postmoderns.

Another "interesting" point to note is that "younger couples, aged between 20 and 24, registered the highest divorce rate last year". Hmm ... is there something wrong with the values of the younger couples? How do they perceive marriage?

In Charles Colson's book Lies That Go Unchallenged in Popular Culture (Tyndale), he wrote that:

Our country has reached a state of marital emergency in which marriage is trivalised. Preparation and commitment are seriously lacking, but government and church now have an opportunity to revive and support the institution. (Colson, p. 59)

Though Colson's book was written in the context of the US, it seems what is happening in the US is also happening here in Singpore. ... marriage is trivalised.

As to why younger couples, aged between 20 and 24, registered the highest divorce rate last year, I think the reason is indeed "Preparation and commitment are seriously lacking". People no longer treat marriage with the 'respect' it use to have.

Many Christians have also forgotten that marriage is a permanent relationship, that it is a life-longcommitment. (Read Gen 1:24 & Matt 19:5-6).

In many cases of divorce, marriage is no longer a covenant or a solemn vow , but only a “contract”. Charles Colson describes this change as a "rhetoric shift", and this has led couples to see marriage as just a voluntary agreement between two adults. As Colson puts it,

"If marriage is a contract, then the parties are free to negotiate the terms of their agreement, enforce those terms, and terminate the agreement whenever they choose. [... ...] If marriage is simply a contract, then it’s impossible to limit the terms of that contract to one man and one woman in a lifelong committed relationship. Instead, anything goes." (p. 86)

If marriage is not a “contract”, what is it? A sacrament? A covenant?

For the Roman Catholics, marriage is a sacrament (officially codified at the Council of Trent). However, this view of marriage as a sacrament is influenced by Augustine's writings (such as his De Bono conjugali ["On the Good of Marriage"]). However, this view has its defects. One defect is that the bible does not say that the institution of marriage dispenses divine grace.

For Christians, marriage is a covenant, not just a contract or a piece of paper. Marriage is instituted by God. It is a Christ-ordained institution. We need to rememer the words "we are gathered today in the presence of God and of this witness to unite this man and this woman in the holy bonds of marriage...". We are also told "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers" (2 Corinthians 6:14). In the Old Testament tradition, the children of Israel were called to seek eives from their own nation, that is people of the same religious persuasion. This is why it is sometimes so difficult for us Christians to explain to our friends (mostly non chirstian) why christians should not date non christains (vice versa) be it guys or gals. Non-Christians feel we are just narrow minded with such a thinking.

There are a few points which I think may the reason as to why christians should not date (or marry) non-Christains:

1) Prayer Life: You cannot pray with him/her, he/she cannot pray for you
2) Spiritual Growth: You cannot achieve spiritual intimacy with God together.
3) Serving the Lord: You cannot serve God with him/her, he/she cannot understand why you obey God, and there will be conflicts.
4) Perservering Together: The person you date MUST have fervent and reverence for God and obedience as well. Then can the Holy Spirit work out well in both to forgive, rebuke with love, build each other up, and grow together.

For Non-Christians, marriage is not a covenant or a solemn vow , but only a “contract” (which is the prevailing secular view. Everything we choose is a matter of choice!). The view that marriage is a contract has its root in the civil law, which sees marraige as a contract that is bilateral, voluntarily formed, maintained, and dissolved by two individuals.The source of this thinking can be traced back to the medieval ecclesiastical courts and Enlightenment thinking. Firstly, we know that marriage is thus not just between me and my girlfriend/boyfriend, but between me, my girlfriend/boyfriend, and God. It is not simply a bilateral but a trilateral relationship. Secondly, we forget that marriage is a divine institution. We thought that it is just our own private choice! Thus, we cannot marriage cannot be voluntarily formed, maintained, and dissolved by two individuals. In a sense (biblical), we are not free to negotiate the terms of their agreement, enforce those terms, and terminate the agreement whenever we choose. Marraige is regulated by God's commandments. Worringly, it seems that for many Christians, marriage has also ceased to be a covenant or a solemn vow and has instead become a “contract”. This is not surprising when one considers the fact that biblical literacy is dropping. Younger Christians, in general, do not have a good understanding of the biblical doctine of marriage. (Gen 2:18-25)

We should remember that marriage is a covenantal relationship. Though the New Testament writers do not explicitly label marriage as a covenant(though the concept is still present in NT verses such as Matt 19:6//Mark10:9), they do describe it as being similar to a covenant (cf. Eph. 5:22-33). If we turn to Mal 2:14, it speaks of marriage as a covenant: “Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou has dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.” (KJV) Because marriage is a covenant, witness is needed, and this make marriage vows are significant, and this should be done in a formal ceremony (though it doesn't have to be in church, since marriage is instituted for all people, whether they are Christians or non-Christians), in the presence of witness. Without the witnesses there is no legal covenant, no legal commitment, no formal binding responsibility for one to keep his promises. However, isn't covenant only for commitments between God and Human beings (eg., Noahic, Abrahamic, Mosaic)? Interestingly, the answer is no. It also refers to a variety of agreements between humans (Gen21:22-24; 2 Kings 11:17). When it includes marriage, besides Mal 2:14 stated above, Prov. 2:16-17 and Ezek. 16:8 are also texts we can refer to.

Ezek 16:8 reads:
8"Then I passed by you and saw you, and behold, you were at the time for love; so I spread My skirt over you and covered your nakedness I also swore to you and entered into a covenant with you so that you became Mine," declares the Lord GOD.

To avoid/prevent divorce, what can we do? There are a few things that we mustn't forget. First, we must remember that the home is God’s idea, it is not a human invention or a cultural phenomenon. In the plan of creation God designed the home as the foundation of society, to meet the mental, spiritual, physical, emotional needs of men, women and children.

We need to be reminded that the family is not designed for temporary convenience—to be kept together so long as it’s fun and pleasing. The family’s strength is its permanence. God designed the family as a lasting relationship in which, with His care, humans could weather the storms of life together. The home is God’s loving shelter for growing to maturity.The home is a place for spiritual growth. If one marry a non-Christian, one cannot achieve spiritual intimacy with God together. As such, this intended purpose of the family/home is lost!

Although the family is a lasting relationship, it is not an automatic success. The daily parts and pieces of life just don’t automatically fall into place. Loving and living with your partner and children takes determination and practice, plus time and imagination, sacrifice and planning, and much more.

But love and determination by themselves aren’t enough to build the relationship God intended. God not only designed the home, but He desires to be at the center of family life—guiding, sustaining, filling the home with His love, peace, forgiveness. [...]

As we seek to make Jesus Christ Lord of our life and home, we need to search the Bible daily for guidance in our family life. For God’s instructions to each family member, read Ephesians 5:15-6:4 and Colossians 3:12-21. Prayer is important for evey aspect of our life. Prayer is the steering wheel of our life, it is not a spare tyre. Prayer is the first and key to our Christian life, it is not an option . Thus, we need to pray that God would help us fulfill our family responsibility, realizing that He wants to help our family weave our lives into one harmonious design.

If we are from a Christian family, we need to encourage our family to begin a time of daily prayer and Bible study. As our family shares praise and personal needs in prayer and searches God’s Word, we will be growing closer to the Lord and to each other.

Equally important, we should attend a Bible-believing church (non-liberal! With faithful, systematic expository preaching of biblical texts.) together with our spouse (and even father, mother, sister, brother... I like the concept of a "Family Service" where different generations of a Christian family worship together. Age-specific worship Service, such as Youth Worship, may be more purpose-directed and able to attract more members, but I doubt this would the method we would be worshipping God in "heaven"!), so that we may find the encouragement and fellowship of other Christians, and instruction in God’s Word.

With Christ as Lord of our family, we can have a happy home. As we daily yield to Him, our home will be filled with God’s love and wisdom. Our home will be more than just a place. It will be a family—living, growing, learning and creating together with God. (Source: Tract Text, How to Have a Happy Home, by Good News Publisher)

To gain a better perspective on what the bible says about marriage and family, one excellent book is Andreas J Kostenberger's boook God, Marriage, and Family: Rebuilding the Biblical Foundation (Crossway, 2004). This is a must-read! Besides giving us a biblical perspective on what the bible says about divorce and remarriage, it also covers issues such as childrearing, singleness, and homosexuality. I am also aware of Geoffrey Bromiley's God and Marriage. It seems to be also a good book, but I have not had the chance to read it! As it is a bit dated, many of challenges facing the contemporary family are not dealt with in this book.

Though the bible may not be clear on every family issues we can think of, it definitely provides guidelines. However, we need to read the bible ourselves. For many of the times, there is no fast solutions to our daily problems or easy-to follow step-by-step formula to our daily choices. For example, in Chris Wright's Old Testament Ethics for the People of God (IVP: May 2004), he wrote that:

The authority of the Scripture is that which authorizes us to develop our ethical stances, policy choices and decision-making in new contexts not directly addressed by the Bible. The authority of the Old Testament for ethics does not pre-define every choice we have to make. But the more sharply we can articulate the very particularity of Israel, and understand the reasons for the laws they had, the more confident we can be in making ethical choices which are ‘authorized' – that is, that are legitimate within the contours and limits of the paradigm God has given us. [More] [Rev. Chris Wright is the International Ministries Director for Langham Partnership International ]

Back to the question of "Can Christians divorce?". This is not a new question. In Matthew's Gospel, ofr example, the Pharisees come to Jesus, and asked, "Is it lawful to put away one's wife in the case of infidelity?" [We know that the Pharisees are trying to trick Jesus into speaking against the law of Moses.] On the very surface, the answer seems to be a 'no', but we know that not every Christians agrees on how we should understand what the Bible says about divorce and remarriage. The answer is also not a simplistic 'yes' or 'no'. For example, if one were to go to a Christian bookstore and look on the bookselves, there are 'tons' of books on this issue. One particular book which caught my attention was Divorce and Remarriage (IVP, edited by H Wayne House). In this book, four authors present their distinct perspectives.

1) Carl Laney argues that the Bible indicates that marriages are always intended to be permanent, that there is never a need for divorce and that remarriage is never permissible after divorce.
2) William Heth contends that while there are legitimate biblical grounds for divorce, there are no legitimate grounds for remarriage after divorce.
3) Thomas Edgar defends the position that Scripture allows for divorce and remarriage in cases of adultry or desertion.
4) Larry Richards holds that Scripture, while decrying divorce and the pain it causes, points to a God of grace who will not condemn those who divorce and remarry.

For me, I am for Thomas Edgar 's view. I believe that Scripture allows for divorce and remarriage in cases of adultry, desertion and death of spouse. For this view, I turn to Deut 24, Mal 2:14-16, Mark 10:9, 11-12, Matt19:9, 1 Cor 7:10-39 (esp. v10-11; v12-16; v39). One of the reason the Bible takes a dim view of adultery because it is the supreme act of infideility that breaks the trust and breaks the faith upon which marriage is built. Marriage is a gift from God, but it is regulated by God's commandments. We do not use it however we want to!

What about physical abuse then? Is physical abuse legitimate grounds for divorce? Though abuse within is a dreadful reality, it seems God doesn't include physical abuse as a legitimate ground for divorce. If the physical abuse happens in a Christian home, then there is a need for church discipline (though many of the present-day churches seem more interested in trying to please their members [for more offerings & 'support'!] rather than discipline them!) in order to protect the person who is being abused. If this fails or if people is outside the church, then the use of legal system may be unavoidable! Temporary separation is also possible if the abusing partner refuses to mend their ways. One reason why God did not allow divorce for physical abuse maybe that God sees it as a problem that can be overcome. There are indeed many cases where marriages have been redeemed after people have repented and overcome their destructive patterns of behaviour.

In a marriage, as in the relationship between God and us, forgiveness is of utmost importance. When we look to the Creation account, we are reminded of the sanctity of marriage. This is also why Jesus said "But from the beginning it was not so" (Matt. 19:8). Jesus reminds us that the original intention of marriage did not include divorce. So, just as Jesus told the woman taken in adultery who was repentant: “Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more” (John8:10-11), we should be forgiving towards those who truly repents. After all, reconciliation, restoration, and forgiveness are supposed to be the identifiers a true Christian (Luke 11:4; Galatians 5:22-23; Ephesians 4:32). May the 'd....' in "Till d.... do we part?" be 'death' and not' divorce'. May God give those married the strength and the wisdom needed for a lasting marriage.